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Recalling way back in sibu, longing to feel the exposure
of outside world that was gonna pour into me, that kinda anticipation
was quite a memory. Now that I’m in my second destination of life,
which isn’t that much further away, and soon my third destination,
followed by uncertainties and doubts. “A child who does not leave
parents’ cradle and become independent as he/she matures can never
experience the truth of life completely, thus devastating”, that’s what
I feel closely. For new people that I met, everyone of them plays a
role in influencing my metamorphosis of life. Adversely? Positively?
Both are as vital.
Below are some special dedications to certain special ppl in this journey of life for the time being.
- To whom it may concern: You’re counted as one of the most
significant ones in this journey of mine, as you were the first person
I trusted and relied in this unfamiliar place. However since you took
me and my soft heart for granted, that’s the first time I’ve learnt and
successfully implemented myself later, not to trust anybody that much
anymore, this closely; from your depressed character that influenced me
so deadly once, I learnt not to be influenced by ppl’s mood so easily;
from your insensibility, I learnt about endurance. Thanks ya, you
really helped me a big step of muh life.
- To whom it may
concern: Met ya long time ago, but our true friendship sparkled only on
some day due to some circumstances. Since then you entered my life
officially. From you, first time I’ve learnt that talking bout
unsatisfactory towards sb in front is always way better than from the
back, it solves things out. From you I’ve learnt to accept somebody
from how you really get along with that person and NOT from ppl’s
rumours and gossips, that kills. Through you I become more cheerful and
you helped me a lot during my deepest valley and sorrow session here
when I used to be seriously depressed. You taught me what’s "To Laugh
From The Core of One's Heart". Life here can never be better without
your companionship, thousands of thx I say.
- To whom it may concern: I never deny your importance in
my life since decades (= Cuz of you I never had home sick here, despite
smth called L-Sick, haha. You’re the only listener whom I never
hesitate to spill everything out to, you absorb and digest all my
anxiety in this new environment. From you, I learnt about numerous
truth of life which I can never have enough space to carve it here.
Your reminders which open up my eyes widely towards people and stuffs
struck me to realization at all time. From you I learnt the reality of
life. Only via you I have the motivation and inspiration to move on,
through you I’ve gained maturity. Without you there isn’t today’s
Connie, That Con might be still wandering somewhere in her naivete.
Many many many thanks and still.. thanks.
- To whom it may
concern: How can I forget you my dear buddy. Firstly you make me feel
home as you accompanied my lonely days here. Through you I understood
that I ain’t the one who felt all these trouble in the process of
growing up. Your concerns and motivation touch me for no end, esp when
i need you most. Cuz of you I ain’t lonely, and I have someone to turn
to as i don't have anyone else who is worth trusted from my surrounding
that time. You are one of the VERY FEW ppl i can trust here and i never
regretted before (= Though we’ve parted our ways, I wanna show my
greatest gratitude to you, miss you heaps!
- To whom it may
concern: You, such a special being who taught the first and most
unforgettable and most important lesson to me. Met you in National
Service and your words were initially so so much believed by ppl. ( I
don’t mean trust, they ain’t the same) To us you’re quite a
close-to-perfect person, good temper, nice background, excellent
result, great talent in music, a hot and perfect guy at your side etc.
But who knows, for the first time I feel so so so seriously cheated as
everything turned up to be LIES. Felt truly upset at first, but anyway,
you taught me not to believe 100% of anyone says, I’ve always reserved
some skepticism on Any-anyone’s words and b’lif for .. 20~70% the most?
Til today (: Thanks a lot Miss Bluffy!
This page is
beginning to be wordy and guess I need to stop here for it’s impossible
for me to state everything here. People, one day you’ll understand or
maybe you’ve already experienced everything that I had. I treasure all
these valuable encounters and I’m ready for more, to come along my way.
Lastly many thanks everyone for reading all my craps =P
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| the greatest difference between 'em is that intelligence has smth to do with 'attaching' while wisdom is related with 'detaching'.
Intelligence or we may say smart means attaching knowledge from this world, too wide that it indicates, the more knowledge you attach to yourself, the smarter you are.
On the contrary, wisdom is about 'detaching'. Been able to detach your jealousy is wise(this is one of the toughest and i'm learning). Being able to detach your selfishness is wise. Being able to detach your sin is wise, the list goes on. So the more negative elements you detach from you, the wiser you are. Agree?
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| i feel so heartbroken, i can't explain why. What to do, i feel muh heart been ripped into pieces. Having another inner conflict again? fighting between rationality and emotion again? Thinking too much again cuz of boredom? No no .. i don't want my vision to be blurred by that useless water, i wanna be strong, i wanna stand up and live on my own, i don't wanna be such a jerk no more. I don't wanna look at things that i'm not supposed to look at anymore. I wanna shut my ears against things that is so acidic and not supposed to be heard by me anymore. i wanna filter my brain not thinking so much rubbish that deterioriates my confidence again anymore. i wanna stop my curiosity from killing me anymore. I wanna stop thinking this and that anymore.. no more no more.. helpp.. i know i have to be understanding and i wanna stop being childish. i wanna try smth fresh and distracting and more meaningful to fill the emptiness the core of muh heart. It's seriously needed to be filled else it'll have malnutrition. i don wanna be haunted by that past no more. i don wanna live in that past, the future is too much for me to anticipate. I should trust all the vows that i received. i should live on with trust yes i have to. i wanna get rid of the insecurity deep inside. i wanna sort things out to cure my instability.. i know Abba Father is always there to help..
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| Psychologist, i desperately need a psychologist. i think
i have a prob, help...
I am a true escapist, i am a geniune Queen of Avoiding, i feel.
I can avoid a tiny lil' small matter (eg eat, sleep, bath, off my comp) for more than 6 hours and do smth else except that one, i can avoid a revision for more than a week as long as i haven't start the thing and keep on doing smth else except that one. When facing smth that i have potential to avoid, i will straight away feel sleepy, can sleep 2 or 3 times longer than usual despite any circumstances.
Eg. A maths paper as simple as nuts for most ppl, i can avoid too, like for 5 days. Only when i was forced to start doing things similiar like this (esp a revision) on the last day or the due date OR the day before the real exam, i will be forced to do things. Until the minute when you keep yrself on track, you will start wondering, why am i avoiding such a simple stuffs, but hell, i'm ALREADY RUNNING OUTTA TIME!!!
I always tell ppl i'm a very last minute person. To them, i deserve all the last-minute work. To them it serves me right to stay awake for the whole nite without sleeping just to rush smth out. To them i deserve the lousy yuckie marks cuz i did everything in the last minute when everyone is already locked in the slumber. But in fact, who knows that i've always been trying myself to start preparation as early i'm supposed to be, but failed ? u know how suffering is that?
Does anyone understand the psychology conflict between myself that i can truly analyse myself thoroughly but still, can't solve it. Can you imagine a person forcing herself to study early by sacrificing naps, or invitation to special occasions like dinner or movies or parties, forcing herself to sit down with all my heavy books, notes ready in a hot place outta house to avoid sleepiness, just to get myself started doing anything, to avoid myself to Avoid things, which ending up ..... fails ?
Previously i feel that i have a potential to become a psychologist, just because i like analysing ppl and things, naturally, automatically, quite accurately. I used to be a (quite good, haha) counsellor for my friends, like GT, MK, KN and so on.. But since we've parted our ways, i'm not sure whether my currently-only-happened unstable emotion does influence my counselling skills or not. And thank God i was bright enuf not to take up psychology this course which i've always longed to take, else the first person to cure will be myself. 
I didn't ask myself to be this analytical but things esp craps and trash just like running here and there in my mind. of course I analyse myself too, i bet no one else can analyse myself more accurately (if there is, will be rare, perhaps 1 or 2?)
But the thing is, after understanding myself, so what ? i still escape. I still avoid. I forced myself to sit down and do smth according to my schedule but how i understand deep inside my heart that i will hardly succeed?
At the edge of bout to break down, i long to listen to soft comfort, more motivating voices to keep memoving. But what did i get? All what i get were "That's your own fault, no one can help you except youself", "You know your own situation right, if this persists you will be doomed ok", "Stop avoiding la, you know how xxxxx is so important to you, if you still avoid, no one can help u too, serve you right" etc etc.
HELLO? Do i NOT KNOW THAT I AM IN HOT SOUP ? DO i NOT feel WORRIED? do i NOT FEEL ANXIOUS AND FEAR ABOUT THE RUNNING OUTTA TIME? aM i NOT woRRieD that if i'M still gonna avoid like this, hell, everything will be DOOMED, my FUTURE WILL BE doomed, listen. YOu GET ME?
there ain't nobody who understands me, there ain't nobody whom i wanna disturb with my own personal prob. i understand that everyone has their own anxiety, it isn't too good to become anyone's burden esp when no one understands your hints on 'em.
I need some consolation which can calm myself down and not all that stupid harsh and rough and not quite sweet things to hurt my heart, to make me feel more panic, more guilty about my own mistake, my own problem, My own PSYCHOLOGY problems.. damn i didn't choose to think so extraordinarily much, I wanna be simple, i really longed to be, trust me
As you're reading this, you can also imagine that, i'm right now avoiding what's in my hand NOW by writing this bloody blog. Help me. thx, haha, Ciao.
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People, this used to be my old and rusty and smelly and ugly blog way back to two years ago.
Friendster blog sounds stupid but that's where i started off everything .. 
URL: http://clauss.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/
and guess.. it's gonna be abandoned now. 
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